Scientist Makes Revolutionary New Movie

Three . . . two . . . one . . . And we’re–

[LIVE]

Barbara:

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you all for tuning in. I’m your host Barbara Roberts, and tonight, we’re covering what is predicted to be one of the most important events ever. In a few hours, an Academy Award will be presented to the celebrated biophysicist, humanitarian, Asian, and now filmmaker, Dr. Ignoramus Phil for his movie “The Corn Made Them Do It,” which gives an ingenious answer to today’s “White Problem.”

I’m here with Edgar Densnow, author of Run For Your Lives Because They Really Are After You, and Agnes Wright, head biologist at the Institute of Science Inc. They’re going to give us the scoop on tonight’s event. Thank you both for joining us. So, Edgar, can you tell us a little about what’s in store for us this evening.

Edgar:

Of course, Barbara, and thank you again for inviting me. (Ever since my book’s publication last year, I’ve been forced to stain my shirts with jam and hide from the police under blackberry bushes. The government’s got eyes and ears even under my bed.) However, I’m glad to be here now, openly celebrating the end of the “White Problem” and the man who’s made it happen. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has planned a five-hour long ceremony to introduce the doctor and then an hour long ceremony to hand him the award. Afterwards, he will give a speech thanking his chiropractor, his mom, his boss, and his garbage man. Such important words. But Dr. Phil is an Asian, so he’s obviously smart; and what’s more, he’s a scientist, so he obviously knows everything. All the way around, I’d say he more than deserves this award.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/308215168218450727/

Barbara:

I couldn’t agree with you more, Edgar. You’re so very knowledgeable in these matters. And now Ms. Wright, could you explain why is Dr. Phil’s film so important right now, and why do you think it’s winning an Academy Award?

Agnes:

Well, Dr. Phil’s film is very political in nature. As we all know, the African American and Hispanic populations exceeded the Caucasian race in our country a little more than 5 years ago. As a result, Whites began losing their jobs, wearing straw hats, and stealing used cars. Everything was fine until last spring when our president ran the campaign “White Won’t Make You Right.” He called Whites the “trashbags of society” and suggested they take high-jumping lessons. He also said, quote, “From the time they left their toy boats on the coast, they’ve infected the world with prejudice!” End Quote. Almost immediately, Whites began demanding equal rights, like college scholarships for Caucasians and free meals at McDonald’s. The nation has been turned absolutely upside-down!

However, in “The Corn Made Them Do It,” Dr. Phil demonstrates what can be done. In one scene, a Mexican immigrant suggests sending the Whites to Outer Space to make peace with the alien races. The plan is adopted. Scientists create genetically altered produce which produce space-traveling desires and build rockets that fly the Whites to the Moon. And, voila! No more “White Problem!” That’s why Dr. Phil’s movie is so important. It provides our government with a solid answer to the current political situation.

Official Photo for “The Corn Made Them Do It”

Edgar:

Excuse me, Agnes. Just out of curiosity. What are mixed raced families saying about this?

Agnes:

Well, if you have one drop of blood in you–you are White. That’s a scientifically-proven fact. Even our former president was mixed raced but only claimed his Hawaiian heritage. However, mixed races genetically have no decision about their race. When they’re children and get sent to school, their classmates vote on it.

Barbara:

I can totally see that. However, many people are also saying that Dr. Phil’s suggestion is just another form of ethnic cleansing and that he’s actually a very prejudiced man. What do you have to say to that Edgar?

Edgar:

We have to understand that Whites are very emotional. They have power issues. Just look at history. They’re always trying to take over the world. On the other hand, Dr. Phil has a background in magnetohydrodynamics from the University of Pyrite and has 25 large-print, double-spaced, gold-inked letters after his name. He’s an experienced scientist with a modern brain and access to the latest technology. We can understand the mistakes of past scientists because they don’t have the instruments we do today. But in this century, he just couldn’t be wrong!

Besides, flying off to Space isn’t dangerous anymore. Like astronauts, they’ll live off of packaged goods and water, which we’ll send up to them every so often. Oxygen can be transported as well. All space pods will have a White technician aboard, so all problems can be fixed. They’ll have no government officials to video them in the bathtub and will have no other races to exterminate. It’s really the perfect solution.

Barbara:

Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen!  Thank you so much for coming in, Edgar and Ms. Wright. We’ve learned so much. Tune in after the commercial to watch the beginning ceremony of Dr. Phil’s first award at the Oscars!

[Off Camera]

Edgar:

So, how’d you get this job, Barbara?

Barbara:

Oh, well. The other interviewee was a blonde. She wasn’t smart enough.

(first pic has link)